Reviewed by Gerard Healy
This a handy guide for those fortunate enough to be expecting or already have grandchildren. It covers a comprehensive range of topics and is written in a clear manner by an experienced adolescent psychologist, Michael Carr-Gregg.
The book is well structured with sequential chapters focusing on a child’s development. We go from expecting a grandchild, to the birth, then early days/months, toddler time, primary schooling and finally teenagers/ young adults. There are also chapters on divorce/separation issues, LGBTQIA+ and neurodiverse and transgender grandchildren.
For a quick summary of the book, the chapter on the Grandparenting Code (218) is useful and the most common recommendation is to consult with the parents.
One section I found particularly helpful was on LGBTQIA+ Grandkids. I don’t know about you, but it’s an alphabetical list that seems to be changing quite quickly (and I’m struggling to keep up). Carr-Gregg gives a quick, clear guide to what the letters represent and in a non-judgemental way. It is obviously a sensitive area for parents and their offspring to negotiate and grandparents can provide a safe emotional space, if required.
Speaking of moving fast reminds me of a recent article by The Australian’s motoring writer, Stephen Corby on learner driving instruction. Instructor: where should you have your hands on the steering wheel? “Ten and two” was the reply from the Overly Confident Parents. “Not any more Grandpa” was the answer (it is now nine and three apparently).
At the risk of showing my age (again), another area that is confoundingly hard to stay up with is technology. The tricky issue of screen time and grandchildren is covered well. He lists a recommendation from the American Academy of Paediatrics that older children have no more than 2/3 hours per day and children under 18 months have no screen time at all. (90). Judging by the number of toddlers being “distracted” with screens on supermarket visits with their parents, this one isn’t being followed closely I’d guess. There is unfortunately a dark side to this wonderful invention and Carr-Gegg suggests caution when it comes to posting photos of grandkids online.
Carr-Gregg says he’s a fan of YouTube Kids and while it’s not 100% safe for children, it’s a big improvement (97). He also suggests sites like www.commonsensemedia.org for helpful reviews of kids TV shows and movies. Even the old DVD player has one advantage: it has a set time per show and not the episode after episode model of most streaming services.
To help balance all the screen time, perhaps you could play some games with the kids. Old favourites like Monopoly, Chess and Scrabble or card games (maybe not poker with its gambling element) and cooking for the older kids and and arts and craft, making music/ singing and outside play for most ages.
And now for something totally different… we hear stories from some well-known Australian grandparents Kevin Rudd, Jackie French, Jane Caro, David Williamson, et al. There’s the brutal honesty of the young, the need for Grandma to keep her mouth shut sometimes and how even experts in their fields can be sidetracked. A refreshing glimpse inside some public figures who have similar experiences that we all can identify with.
Perhaps you’re like me in that you have grandkids interstate and find it harder to connect with them than local ones. In theory they’re only a plane flight away but actually getting there is another matter. Young parents with busy, stressful lives, children’s illnesses and other commitments and transport and accommodation issues add to the complexity of visiting. Technology can be a help, but it’s not as good as physical interactions.
Of course, many Australian families have spread around the world, which adds an extra layer or two to the difficulty level of keeping in touch. And Covid didn’t help. My extended family have two different families living in England and the cost of flights alone has soared in recent years, making visits even more challenging.
Towards the back of the book, there is an excellent list of resources provided from a wide range of reputable sites. Topics include different websites on grandparenting, books for children about grandparents and youth mental health sites among others (256-268). For those readers who want to delve deeper into the academic research behind each chapter, extensive notes are listed (246-255). Overall, a gem of a chapter.
May I indulge a petty whinge? The book’s title (grandparents) is printed in lower-case letters; goodness, where were the punctuation police when that one slipped through? Although, the demographic they’re selling to may notice that “mistake” and pick up this visually noticeable book.
I would recommend this sensible, handy guide to grandparenting to the general reader.
Michael Carr-Gregg BA (Hons) Ph D (UNSW) MAPS was born in Melbourne in 1958. He has written over a dozen books including The Princess Bitchface Syndrome (2006) and Surviving Year 12 (2004). He started CanTeen in 2005, and has won several awards for his community work. Apart from being on influential boards, he has appeared on Ch 7’s Sunrise program and 3AW’s Neil Mitchell program for many years.
grandparents
(2023)
by Michael Carr-Gregg
Allen & Unwin
ISBN: 978 176106 931 4
$29.99; 304pp